You Are Here

You are here. You are near the beginning… on the first of many steps. You have come a little way, but not far enough to be tired, not far enough to be looking behind you. You are still so far from the place you are going that it is more imagined than seen. You are here in this place, which is exactly as far as you should be given your time and effort. You aren’t where you want to be, where you planned to be.

I am not where I want to be and I am not surprised. I have been waiting for this. I knew it was coming. I knew I had not done everything I could, everything I was supposed to. I have become entirely too comfortable rationalizing skipping a workout or indulging in just one more small square of dark chocolate. The only victory I can take away from this morning’s four-week weigh-in was that I still managed to lose something; however small. Honestly, I was expecting to see a slight gain. I have indulged in Friday night (vegan) buttered popcorn, Saturday date night dinner with dessert and a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter, direct from jar to mouth, on Sunday afternoon. I allowed myself to get overwhelmed by my schedule and cancelled my first planned Yoga class on Thursday, I promised to do my Friday workout on Saturday after my normally-planned non-impact cardio session (a promise I broke) and I skipped Sunday’s workout as well for really no reason at all. Three days off my meal plan and four days of foregoing workouts – I know I dodged a bullet by still sneaking out of the week with .4 pound lost. David and I sat on the couch last night and vowed to buckle down and get our heads back in the game – we shook on it and everything, very official-like – but the question of why I have been veering off course so early in this process looms.

I can merrily come up with a handful of excuses to explain my behavior. I can probably even dress them up a bit with some ferocious conviction and make them sound like legitimate reasons. It goes something like, “I’m so busy, I didn’t get meal prep done, it’s too hot to run outside, I have cramps, I am tired, blah blah blah.” It is all nonsense. My motivation has shifted and fallen short. It shouldn’t have – I was getting results, I was feeling great after workouts and I was getting plenty of delicious and nutritious food to eat throughout the day. I have had days when the fire in my belly burned strong but, unfortunately, I have also had self-congratulatory days when I started resting on my laurels and I have had complacent days when I couldn’t be bothered to care. In my excitement to start taking a beginners yoga class again, I have mentally and motivationally veered off on a tangent of researching Ayurvedic recipes, relaxing new age Tibetan soundscape music and $100 meditation pillows; none of which help me to stay on track with my punishing TRX and cardio workouts (you know, those things most vital to shedding 55 pounds).

As of today, it has been four weeks since I started this journey again. I have barely begun. I haven’t even taken my one-month progress photo yet and I am already coasting to a stop. I know from experience that this is not something you can accomplish by taking time off, by letting your foot off the gas for even a moment. This set-back has to be something that motivates me rather than discourages me. This is a lesson I needed to be reminded of so that I can move forward. I have a renewed commitment with David to get back on track full-time, I have an exciting long-term goal in discovering a local 10k race in November but I think the time has come to begin establishing some short-term goals: challenging but achievable goals that will work as individual steps to get me closer to my future plans. These steps, although small, give me close-to-instant gratification and a sense of satisfied elation when I scale them. These steps, although small, stack one atop another until I have climbed a height seemingly impossible or unimaginable from the start. Thinking cap: On… What step will take me to where I want to go. I am here… where do I want to go?

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WEEK FOUR CHECK-IN
Weight: 207.8 (.4 pounds lost this week, 7.2 pounds lost total)