Is it frustration? Is it desperation? Have I been lying to myself all along or have I simply forgotten what mattered, forgotten where I have been? I just spent the better part of the past hour writing what I hoped would be an inspiring (nigh Pulitzer-winning) blog entry about how this time around I would not make this all about weight loss. I would make it about wellness and self-care, about overall health and happiness. This time, I would look at nutrition in terms of making my body thrive and my skin glow. I would incorporate fitness into my life beyond just the gym, keeping active and getting fit. I would meditate, be present in the now and treat myself with compassion and empathy as I navigated these changes. I maligned focusing simply on calories consumed, sweat expelled and the digital number beaming up at me from the scale beneath my feet, validating or vilifying my previous week’s efforts. “Oh no,” I wrote, “this is not the way. I must make this journey about overall wellness, blah blah blah.” I’d had a profound revelation and I was sharing it with you. I made an outline, complete with roman numerals, detailing my plan (which, as of this point, I have not yet scrapped). It was great. I was inspired. Then, mid-sentence, I had to fact-check myself and, thus time traveled back to May 2014 and my first ever blog entry. I was stupefied. I had already written about how I’d began a weight loss journey but evolved to taking a journey of overall wellness, devoted to physical, mental and spiritual wellness. Reading this knocked the wind from my sails. Honestly, this approach has most certainly not been in the forefront of my mind. For the past year, I have meal planned for my calorie range and plugged every step into Endomondo. I have not meditated, I have not cared for my body, mind or spirit, I have not felt balanced or well. I have felt tired and defeated. So, I ask myself: is it frustration at the weight gain that has me mentally neglecting the lessons I’d learned long ago? Is it desperation to take that weight back off? Or have I simply forgotten, have I become so far removed from the “me” who had succeeded and the “me” who had learned those valuable lessons about balance the interconnectedness of body, mind and spirit that I’ve lost them? I find myself now, not inspired but questioning… realizing that I am truly starting over at the beginning in many ways. I have to believe this realization, while startling and upsetting, is a good thing, even though I feel a bit gut-punched at the moment.
Whether I thought of it now or discovered it years ago, this plan resonates with truth for me. This is about wellness and transformation in every possible way. This will transform my body, my outlook on life, my relationships, everything. This is the path – a path I navigated before – to being the best possible version of myself. Rather than deride myself for having lost my way, lost sight of this truth, I will take myself by the hand with loving compassion and guide myself back to where I need to be.
p.s. I will complete and post the aforementioned outline in a separate entry as both a means of sharing my plans as well as keeping myself accountable.