I feel amazing. Seriously, I feel absolutely fantastic. I feel unstoppable – motivated, dedicated and determined. I have not missed a gym day in six weeks. We’re not talking about relaxed gym days, either. I haven’t been sitting on a recumbent bike, lazily pedaling while updating my Facebook status and sipping a sports drink. No, these have been punishing, all-out, balls-to-the-wall workouts including intense cardiovascular workouts and weight training. I am at the gym for an hour or more per day, five days per week. My devotion in the kitchen has been almost as resolute. I have been meal planning and sticking to my nutritional goals (except weekends – I am still striving to get my weekends locked in). I have lost more than 13 pounds. I have been so excited, so elated at finally feeling like I am back on track I want to shout from the rooftops. Yet, I have been – and continue to be – reticent to write this blog. Why?
I have tried and failed many times. Well, that’s not true because I feel you don’t truly fail until you quit so allow me to rephrase. I have tried and suffered setbacks more times that I care to count. I have gained some momentum and had some success only to encounter some obstacle or interference which I allowed to send me careening wildly off track. My entire weight loss journey has been a journey of starts and stops. Does something feel different this time? Yes, absolutely. I feel much like I felt back in 2010 when I transformed my life and truly began this endeavor. Have I felt this way before only to drop off? Yep. It has become embarrassing to look back at previous blog entries, boasting about my success, only to have egg on my face later when I fall down the rabbit hole of apathy and vanish from my blog with nothing to say. Furthermore, the superstitious part of me doesn’t want to jinx it. I have to get over that, I need talk about where I am now.
Where I am now is someplace good. I am in a place where I no longer ask myself if I’m going to the gym that day. I am going. I am going if I am tired, I am going if I am sore, I am going if I’d rather just go home and relax. I am going to push myself until I my eyes are stinging with sweat, until feel I can’t pick up my feet, until I am breathing through my mouth and looking around for the nearest trash can just in case I need to vomit (no, I haven’t actually thrown up at the gym.) I am going to push myself no matter how bored I am of my playlist, no matter how bored I am of the treadmill, no matter how much I have to do when I get home. I am in a place where I no longer wing it on my meal plans. I am meal planning every week, I am meal prepping every Sunday. I am not feeling deprived by my meal plan, I am not tempted by an extra cup of coffee, by the peanut butter filled pretzels and Biscoff someone keeps bringing into the office. Ok, maybe I’m a little tempted by those peanut butter filled pretzels but I look at them with the awareness of, ultimately, what they will cost me. I am in a place where I feel supported. I check in with Karol nearly every day to give and receive encouragement, to talk about temptations and frustrations as well as accomplishments. I am supported at home by a loving partner who eats all my meal prepped healthy food without complaint and encourages me to try new foods and test new recipes. I am in a place where I feel empowered by my dedication and determination. I am in a place where, when I do slip up or have a bad day (or a bad weekend), I don’t just throw in the towel – I am strong and resilient enough to get right back on track. I am in a place where I feel hopeful – hopeful that I have rounded a corner, hopeful that all those stops and starts are behind me, hopeful that I have made this lifestyle change for good and everything I want is right there for me to take it.
Yes, I am in a good place.