courage – Jody: Lost & Found

Everything was going great. I’d been able to get consistent and dedicated with my diet and exercise routine. I have lost nearly 30 pounds. I am back in Onderland. People have been noticing. Coworkers have commented on my progress, friends and family have congratulated me on my success. I have had to buy smaller clothes and even I, my own worst critic, have noticed the physical changes in my body as I sat on the couch marveling aloud and my “skinny calves.” It has been exciting, rewarding and encouraging. It has made me feel strong, healthy and proud. So why in the hell have I started to sabotage myself?

This isn’t new a new phenomenon. I have squared up against this enemy twice and twice been defeated by it – once in 2010 and again in 2013. Each time I came within 30 pounds of my goal weight then, without any seeming provocation or reason, I started sabotaging my success by gradually neglecting meal planning and workouts and falling back into binge eating behavior. Both times I would regain more than 40 pounds.

Over the past month I have been facing this foe once again – skipping the gym, veering from my meal plans, binge eating. The last time I weighed in on November 17, I had regained almost two pounds. I haven’t weighed in since feeling that further weight gain could have a dire effect on my mood and motivation. I recognized quickly that I was getting in my own way but that hasn’t stopped the behavior. I have been asking myself questions, reading online articles about self-sabotaging, talking about my frustrations. All the while, the behaviors have worsened. Two weeks without visiting the gym, eating more cookies than I can log to MyFitnessPal.

Why do I do this… Am I afraid of success? Do I feel like I don’t deserve it? Is the excess weight some kind of security blanket my subconscious mind refuses to release? Am I simply getting over-confident, cocky about my weight loss, playing it fast and loose and paying the price?

I haven’t wanted to write this blog until I had answers to my questions, explanations and analyses. Weeks have passed; however, and I have no answers. While my inner-turmoil will have to be quieted, the most important thing for me right now is to get the self-destructive behavior under control. I have to work through this but, at the same time, I can’t work through this at the expense of the progress I’ve made. So I have come up with some steps which will hopefully help me to move past this stage in my weight loss story – this stage where, historically, the journey has ended.

Fake it ‘til you make it. Even if my heart’s not in it, I will go to the gym and I will meal plan and meal prep each week. I will go through the motions and maintain the physical habit even if the mental one is lagging behind. A subpar workout is better than no workout. A cookie at the end of a healthy day is better than a cookie at the end of a binge.

Seek out motivation. Whether it’s Pinterest fitspo boards, Instagram success stories or Fearless Motivation speeches, I will take motivation from others when I can’t muster it for myself. I have to get encouraged, get inspired, get excited for this journey again.

Own it. I will be transparent and accountable for all of it. Owning this process is great when you feel strong and proud. It can be disheartening and embarrassing when you feel weak and confused. Not owning the uglier sides of this process only creates shame and hinders progress, perpetuating the self-sabotage.

Dig deep. I will delve into my heart and mind and find some answers to what may be driving this tendency to self-sabotage. This could mean journaling, doing research, talking to those closest to me or seeking out a support group. I will never truly move past this and reach my goals without knowing how to heal whatever hurt lies inside me.

Bear with me, dear readers, and I try to get out of my own way. I will have to step up to the mat and confront this old inner-demon head-on but I do so with hope and optimism. There must be a way to work through it and come out the other side fit, healthy and happy.

You might jump the starting line. You might be out in front of me. But I will come around you, I will beat you in the end. Why?

Because I will out work you, I will out sacrifice you. I will have more heart, more discipline, more courage. I am not like you. I am an animal, a beast. I am fierce, I am unrelenting.

beastmode

When you go for take-out, eat fast food, drink alcohol and soda, buy packaged and processed foods, I will eat and drink clean. I will weigh and portion everything, I will meal prep, I will track every bite of food and every ounce of water.

When you give in to the temptations of unhealthy foods, calling it a treat and telling yourself you are living a balanced life and you deserve it, I will still eat clean. I know that what you call “balance” is just a way to rationalize your weakness in the face of tempting treats. I know true balance isn’t poisoning my body and sabotaging my success.

When you are out with your friends, I will be at the gym working. When you lift light, I will add five pounds, ten pound and lift heavier. When you walk, I will run. When you quit at ten, I won’t quit until fifteen. When you show up three days, I will show up five.

You wanted the easy way. You always looked for the path of least resistance, the quick fix, the magic pill.

I know there is no easy way. This path goes through hell and it leads someplace you’ll never see because you don’t have the strength, the courage, the discipline to walk this path.

You want to blame someone, something. You blame the past, blame hurt, blame trauma, blame your body, blame the world. Maybe those things got you to where you are now, but those things have nothing to do with where you go next. They can’t stop you from changing. Only you hold yourself back.

I don’t hold myself back. I acknowledge my past, learn from it and release it. I accept responsibility for my life, for my choices, my mistakes, my weaknesses. I don’t look to anyone else to right these wrongs for me. I face the consequences of my choices. I stand up to the challenges I’ll face; I stand up to them in the kitchen, at the gym, every day and in everything I do, I make my future, I make my body, I make my success.

Sometimes I slip, sometimes I stumble. But I get up over and over and over again because that is what this takes. I do not give up, I do not give in.

So go ahead and jump that starting line, get a few laps ahead of me, but know that you will not beat me. You cannot beat me because I know you. I know your weaknesses, I know your habits, I know your excuses. I know the work you are willing to put in. I know the results you are expecting to get out. I know the disappointment you’ll feel when you can’t reach your goals, when it all starts slipping through your fingers. I was you. I could still be you now had I stayed that course, had I tried taking the easy way again. But I left you behind. I took the path of most resistance. I took the path of work, of fight, of character, self-mastery, determination and tenacity. I took the path of blood, sweat, tears, blisters, muscle aches and exhaustion. You will not beat me. You cannot beat me.

Tag: courage

My Own Inner-Demon

Beast Mode