Tag: comparison

Green-Eyed Monster

~ Jody Rich ~ Leave a comment

I am jealous person and a terrible frenemy. I am not proud of myself. It has always been important to me to lift up other people, to support them in their efforts and encourage them. A friend of mine has been on an extremely successful weight loss journey this year and, as I have watched her progress and applauded her success, deep down I have been troubled. I am feeling envious and thinking spiteful thoughts. This negativity is not only uncharacteristic of me, it is shameful. Wanting to understand the root of my jealousy – I know it lies 100% within me and has absolutely nothing to do with my friend – I have been doing a good deal of soul searching. Over the last few months I have been paying attention to my thoughts and emotions, making mental notes of the things which trigger my strongest negative reactions, and believe I am understanding my own feelings of jealousy better.

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Most of the people currently in my life – my boyfriend, my coworkers, all the people I see on a regular basis – never knew me at 290 pounds. The people who did know me at that size have all adjusted to the way I look now, having not seen me at my largest in many years. I still have quite a bit of weight to lose but that change won’t be as dramatic as the changes my friend is seeing. It won’t be as dramatic as when I dropped from 290 to 180 pounds in 2010. The days of people being truly astonished by my progress are mostly over. People may still occasionally comment on my weight loss but I’m no longer going from morbidly obese to healthy. Furthermore, my nearly constant ups and downs over and my struggle to reach my goal has left me with the feeling that nobody (least of all myself) has much confidence in my ability to truly succeed. As a result, I feel like my weight loss journey is yesterday’s news.

In the early days of my weight loss, it was such a thrill to hear people comment on my transformation. My metamorphosis was remarkable, garnering a lot of positive attention. I didn’t want or want to need accolades or validation from other people but I would be lying if I didn’t admit to fantasizing about it long before I actually started losing weight. I imagine that’s common – envisioning people’s ecstatic and awestruck reactions, being showered with praise and adulation. When it happens, it feels amazing. It is almost addictive and, while I didn’t realize it until now, I grew to need it. Watching my friend get all of that positive (and well-deserved) attention, reading the comments on her social media posts expressing awe at the change and congratulations on her success, I am seething with jealousy.

I will never have that again and I have realized, through my friend’s success, just how much I will miss it. It is painful, hurting my heart in a way I never could have anticipated. In so many ways, my weight loss journey has defined me for the past eight years – it was the single greatest personal accomplishment of my life. Now it feels like no big deal. Watching my friend experience all those amazing firsts, earn the supportive praise, I have realized just how important those things were to my positive attitude and determination to keep going.

I have had my heyday. I have had my attention, my accolades, my awe and congratulations. That part of my journey is behind me. I have to make peace with that and I can not allow it to bring out the worst in me, to make me someone I never wanted to be – a bitter, envious and catty person. I have to find my positive attitude and my determination elsewhere. Deep down, I want my friend to experience the happiness she is no doubt feeling now. I know what that happiness feels like and I would want that for anyone who has had to be made to feel subhuman because they wore their pain and trauma on the outside, in the form of fat, for all the world to judge and criticize. I would be ashamed of my jealousy if I didn’t take the time to understand it. Having insight into its source; however, I realize I need to be gentle with myself and understanding. As much as I wish I didn’t feel this way, I have to own these feelings, see them for what they are and be accountable. I also realize the need to encourage myself, to recognize the changes I am making and celebrate them even if I am celebrating alone. This is another phase of my journey, possibly a quieter and more personal one, and that’s ok.

The Thief of Joy

~ Jody Rich ~ Leave a comment

one size fits none
That’s not fair. You are trying to take the easy way when there is no easy way. You’re cheating. You don’t have to work half as hard at this as I do. Why does she have it so easy while I have it so hard?  Jealousy, despondency, spitefulness, hopelessness, indignation, self-righteousness: these are all things I feel when I compare myself to others, when I compare my weight-loss journey to someone else’s. What is it that they say comparison is? The thief of joy.

It doesn’t stop there. Comparing myself to other people has an adverse effect on both my emotional state and my physical progress. Comparison steals a lot more than my joy. It robs me of motivation, self-confidence and empathy. In comparing my journey, my success (or lack thereof), my methods or beliefs to those of other people I become judgmental and resentful, subsequently making me feel ashamed of my thoughts and angered at myself for being anything short of supportive of people trying to change their lives and find their own happiness. It shifts my focus off of the only thing that really matters in this process: me.

I have my fitness journey. I have my own unique starting point. I have my ideas regarding the best way to lose weight., I have my own values as to the right way to do it, I have my own goals. I am proud of what I’ve achieved and, as I work hard to lose the weight I’ve regained, I re-embrace those methods and values and I focus on today’s starting point.  So why do I care about someone else’s journey? Why do I compare myself with them when, ultimately, there is no comparison. Why do I allow myself to be so petty as to be anything but elated for someone’s accomplishments or so disheartened that I allow it to deflate and discourage me?

In trying to answer these questions, I come back over and over to my own insecurities. Losing weight is hard. Losing as much weight as I have to lose and losing it the way I chose to lose it is hard. Maybe there are easier ways, maybe there are faster ways, maybe there are ways that require less commitment or sacrifice. The insecure child in me rails against the perceived unfairness of it all as if that somehow changes reality.  As my confidence in myself wanes when I don’t achieve my goals, I compare myself more to others resulting in self-sabotage and shame. It feels much easier to focus on someone else than take responsibility for my struggles.

I cannot be distracted or derailed by someone else’s journey. I must have the confidence in knowing my way is the right way for me – both in terms of health and values – and that there is no right way for everyone. I am responsible for my own body as it is now and I will be responsible for it when I hit my goal weight and I will have pride in that achievement. Supporting people in their attempts to lose weight and get healthy should never be restricted to those whose paths follow my own. This is not a one-size-fits-all venture. There are a myriad of methods and we all must find what works best for each of us as individuals, the method that makes us proud and helps us to achieve the goals we set for ourselves.